Life Without Goals

I love it when someone names something I’ve always known deep down, but have never been able to put into words.

Emily McDowell’s recent note did this for me (she does that a lot):

2024 was the first year of my adulthood I didn’t set goals.

Goals?! I was swimming at the deep, dark bottom of my abyss, just praying to find some sunlight.

So instead of goals, I set intentions: Surrender. Spaciousness. Let things unfold…

I chose ways of being rather than milestones to reach.

It felt incredible. It felt free. I had no idea my goals were so heavy. It felt good to put them down.

Now, as I’m entering a new chapter and actively working and earning income again, the urge to set goals has been seeping back in.

But I’ve noticed that my relationship with, and understanding of, goal-setting has changed…

I can see more clearly now how my goals were always fueled by the belief that I was not enough.

“If I achieve this goal, maybe I’ll be worthy”, my subconscious whispered quietly.

Hit that revenue goal…

Publish a book…

Grow my reputation…

Were there practical justifications for these goals? Absolutely. The business needed to make money. The book helped people and grew my reputation. My reputation helped me earn the trust of customers and partners, which led to income.

But if I’m being honest, it was never just about my practical needs. I tied my goals to my sense of self-worth. And my ego had a way of pushing my goals to be bigger and more extreme.

I couldn’t just grow the business, it had to be the biggest.

I couldn’t just publish a book, it had to be a best seller.

I couldn’t just have a good reputation, I had to be seen as #1.

Enough was never enough.

Joe Hudson has a concept he calls “the golden algorithm”.

It essentially says that when we avoid feeling something, we unwittingly invite it into our lives.

That’s what was happening to me with goals. I set goals to avoid feeling like I am not enough. But the goals would become a constant reminder that I am not enough. At least not until I achieved them.

Of course, as soon as I achieved a goal, I set a new one. Bigger and bolder this time. There would never be a point where I was done achieving goals. But I had to achieve goals to feel like I was enough.

See what was happening?

I set goals to avoid my feelings of not-enoughness and, in doing so, I unwittingly invited those feelings of not-enoughness into my life.

My goals weren’t just what I was trying to achieve, they became who I was.

I am a successful CEO and community builder.

I am an impactful and well-known leader.

I am a published author of a best-selling book.

My goals were all designed to maintain these identities.

The problem was that if I didn’t achieve my goals, I lost my sense of identity.

“Who am I if I’m not successful?! I’m nothing.”

Like Emily said, I dressed my goals up as ambition. It was important to me to be seen as an ambitious person. Setting goals helped me tell that story.

Failing to achieve them brought the story crumbling to the ground.

Look, goals aren’t bad.

They can be quite helpful when used with intention and awareness.

Now, to bring more awareness when setting a goal, I ask myself questions like:

• Is this goal being driven by a real, practical need (eg. I need to pay for a home for my family) or by my ego (eg. I need to be the best coach in the world)?

• What story is this goal helping me reinforce?

• What feeling am I avoiding by setting this goal?

• What version of this goal feels like it would be enough?

• What version of this goal feels spacious?

• Why is this goal important?

• Could this goal be an intention instead?

• What would change if I didn’t set this goal and just let things unfold instead?

• What are the real-world repercussions if I don’t hit this goal?

• What are the emotional repercussions if I don’t hit this goal?

• What will be different if I do hit this goal?

• What will be different if I don’t?

With these questions, my goals have become fewer, and calmer.

Most goals, it turns out, can just be intentions.

When I can work on something, without attachment to the outcome, my nervous system relaxes, and life opens up.

I have one loose goal now.

I’d like to earn an income that feels like it is enough.

I know what is “enough” based on what my family and I need to feel safe, secure, and have the life experience we yearn for.

For everything else, I’ve just been setting intentions, and letting it unfold.